One came as tides of the ocean, coming back and forth. They would get stronger with each wave. Some tides were soothing, calm. While some were vicious, crashing into me harshly. There were even moments I felt like drowning, but it was never for too long. The tides ripped away walls I would try to build. Each tide leaving me more naked, more vulnerable, than the previous. But the waters, even when they were ferocious, were always welcoming. Always blissful. Unfortunately, these tides became weaker. Eventually, they became unmoving and disappeared from me. I was left lost, longing to find this bliss again.
The second came as a late summer breeze. It came at me unexpectedly, but so vigorous, that all I could do was to embrace it. A pleasant and cool breeze, taking away the dreaded heat that had been circling me for the whole season. I breathed in what it had to offer as much as I could, taking in the pure air that had, by then, surrounded me. I had gained such an amazing high, an exotic feeling I had never experienced ever before, but there was one thing that felt familiar. It was so welcoming. Touching every part of my body, inside and out, I felt it reach and shake my very soul. I was completely naked to this breeze as it went through my clothes with complete ease. It welcomed my embrace, as I welcomed their’s, and I exhaled a satisfying sigh of relief. I felt relaxed, mindful, I was completely consumed in bliss that felt eternal. But as fast as it came and gave me this sensation, it had forcefully left me just as fast, stealing with it all that it had given me. Confused, unsatisfied, and wanting more, I was left alone to the start of fall, hoping to find that bliss one more time.
Next time. Next time for sure. I will make sure to hold onto that bliss forever when it comes my way.
Lyrics. Poems. Words. When I read phrases, questions, pleas, statements, I truly feel and connect to the words. Words of good times or of hardship. Words of happiness or of sadness. Words of love or of heartbreak. When I read words I identify with these words in my head and it is here that my mind speaks to my heart. It is here that my heart recognizes the power of these words and I am moved.
Music. Music alone is quite special as well. I think listening to music gives you this feeling that words can’t pull off. Music has always given me simply an invigorating feeling right from the get go that my mind can’t instantly register. Whether it is the progression, the build up, or a constant beat, it always moves me in ways lost in words. My whole body seems to resonate with it’s rhythm, stirring my very heart. When I listen to music my heart is the one speaking. Here my mind recognizes the power of music and images, words, ideas, all start to form with it.
A song is even more special. It can incorporate both words and music. You know some people, when they listen to a song with lyrics, usually only focus on one or the other. “Yo did you hear this song? The beat’s sickk/catchy/nice” or “You should listen to this song, the lyrics are so true!”, but then that’s only one side of the song. When one makes a song either they think of the words and the music flows from those words or they form the music and the words flow from it. The words and music are woven together by the songwriter. It is here that you can see a conversation between the heart and mind of the songwriter. It is here you can sense the raw feelings gushing out of their soul. When you can tap into these feelings and connect with them, these words and music combined, this feeling exceeds the level that can be obtained by the two alone and can move you powerfully beyond your expectations.
I have been moved to tears from the power of songs from time to time again. I think this is why I like singing. I think this is why I like writing songs here and there. It is the best way for me to express my honest feelings. Maybe I’ll sing to you. Maybe I’ll write a song about you too.
But I’m back. Pretty much a whole season has gone by now and a lot of things have changed. Going solo for a bit, but I won’t avoid what comes my way. School Financial Department suck. Met some new peeps. Gone through quite a bit of ups and downs which I will try to type out whenever I get the chance to (been somewhat busy), but, overall, life’s not bad.
I have forgotten what it means to blog after all this time, maybe I’ll get back into it. Whatever the case I’ll be sure to update way more often.
So me and this girl have finally started dating. She’s my girlfriend now, but already there is tension. At times I think she wants something and then it turns out wrong. At times I don’t think she wants something but really she does. At times I think she wants me there, when apparently she doesn’t. I just wish I could just get her, without her having to say anything. I just feel so dumb. I really am slow at these kinds of things apparently. Maybe because I don’t really know her too well yet, I mean we just officially started going out a couple of days ago, but then we’ve been kind of seeing each other for awhile so idk. At times I feel so comfortable with her, but then at times I feel so nervous, so tense. I really don’t understand lol. Hopefully through time everything will become clearer. Maybe I’m just over thinking. Tomorrow will be better.
I think I only ever talk about my love life these days haha. Well I haven’t posted anything so I’ll see what I can fill in.
Well in other news I’m struggling with reading these boring books for classical sociology theory :/ and I also think I didn’t do amazing for my sociology statistics test. Sighhh I gotta pick up my pants for this.
Also lately I’ve been going out to eat so much. So much tasty foods n drinks mmmmmm, too bad it’s killing my money ]:
An old friend, one of my bros from highschool, my Daft Bro, will be returning to Canada from military service in Singapore when my exams are all done. I can’t wait when we are all re united again.
As for my love life, I’ve realized the last girl and possibly the one before her were just infatuations. Once a friend told me what an infatuation really was I realized this and instantly lost feelings for her. Later on I met this cool friend and well… it turns out I ended u liking her, although I didn’t want to at first I did and… how we are right now I have no idea it’s so confusing at times and bumpy. But there’s this chemistry, this attraction that I can’t deny. I wonder if she is feeling the same.
I feel like she’s avoiding me, or I’m avoiding her. As much as it can hurt, overall I think this is for the better. But then, how will I turn out? I can’t seem to stop these feelings. I’m sorry. I know you’re taken, I just want to be friends anyway, but I still can’t stop feeling this way. What am I supposed to do?
I got to see her again after a long time. I truly want to be her friend and be her friend just for the sake of being her friend, not for some ulterior motive like to eventually get together with her or anything. I just want to be able to talk to her normally. These feelings have been holding me back like never before. My head gets all blank and panic-y when she’s around, I can barely say a sentence or two with her. But through the advice of a friend I’m gonna push myself to be more confident in myself and be more self controlled. Gonna push myself to talking to her until I feel comfortable. Do I NEED to be her friend though? Do I NEED her in my life? Well I’m gonna see her from time to time in my life anyway. I might as well do something about it.