I wish I was more girl smart.
So me and this girl have finally started dating. She’s my girlfriend now, but already there is tension. At times I think she wants something and then it turns out wrong. At times I don’t think she wants something but really she does. At times I think she wants me there, when apparently she doesn’t. I just wish I could just get her, without her having to say anything. I just feel so dumb. I really am slow at these kinds of things apparently. Maybe because I don’t really know her too well yet, I mean we just officially started going out a couple of days ago, but then we’ve been kind of seeing each other for awhile so idk. At times I feel so comfortable with her, but then at times I feel so nervous, so tense. I really don’t understand lol. Hopefully through time everything will become clearer. Maybe I’m just over thinking. Tomorrow will be better.
A New Chapter
I think I only ever talk about my love life these days haha. Well I haven’t posted anything so I’ll see what I can fill in.
Well in other news I’m struggling with reading these boring books for classical sociology theory :/ and I also think I didn’t do amazing for my sociology statistics test. Sighhh I gotta pick up my pants for this.
Also lately I’ve been going out to eat so much. So much tasty foods n drinks mmmmmm, too bad it’s killing my money ]:
An old friend, one of my bros from highschool, my Daft Bro, will be returning to Canada from military service in Singapore when my exams are all done. I can’t wait when we are all re united again.
As for my love life, I’ve realized the last girl and possibly the one before her were just infatuations. Once a friend told me what an infatuation really was I realized this and instantly lost feelings for her. Later on I met this cool friend and well… it turns out I ended u liking her, although I didn’t want to at first I did and… how we are right now I have no idea it’s so confusing at times and bumpy. But there’s this chemistry, this attraction that I can’t deny. I wonder if she is feeling the same.
"how much i wish this were just a petty argument so we could just apologize and get better"
I feel like she’s avoiding me, or I’m avoiding her. As much as it can hurt, overall I think this is for the better. But then, how will I turn out? I can’t seem to stop these feelings. I’m sorry. I know you’re taken, I just want to be friends anyway, but I still can’t stop feeling this way. What am I supposed to do?
Facing my Weakness
I got to see her again after a long time. I truly want to be her friend and be her friend just for the sake of being her friend, not for some ulterior motive like to eventually get together with her or anything. I just want to be able to talk to her normally. These feelings have been holding me back like never before. My head gets all blank and panic-y when she’s around, I can barely say a sentence or two with her. But through the advice of a friend I’m gonna push myself to be more confident in myself and be more self controlled. Gonna push myself to talking to her until I feel comfortable. Do I NEED to be her friend though? Do I NEED her in my life? Well I’m gonna see her from time to time in my life anyway. I might as well do something about it.
I’m gonna stop chasing.
I just don’t think I should chase anymore. I’m always looking for someone, trying to find the right one for me, but it just never seems to work out in the end. I know myself enough to realize that I want someone, the right one, to be there for me right now, but really I know I’m not ready to be in a relationship. I’m just a mess right now. As my cousin said, I need to get my life together. Get it together, improve myself, become a better person. I’m gonna shine so bright that I’ll be impossible to miss, so bright that you wont miss me.
I think it’s better to stumble into love with you, then to seek you out.
Whoever you are.
Who is meant for me? Who am I meant for? Why do I suck with decisions? Why am I lame with timing?
Maaaan. I need some light, I can’t see where I’m walking to anymore.
She was as pretty as always
Idk if I ever liked her. Maybe I was infatuated with her back then. Looking at her after such a long, I couldn’t formulate my thoughts and talk to her normally. I’m so awkward lol. What was I thinking? I honestly don’t know what to say, looking at her face… I don’t want to like her. The whole night of yesterday I thought about her near the back of my mind, and I woke up with such a….depressing feeling. I don’t want to like her because I feel it won’t go anywhere anyway, I mean I can’t even properly talk to her still after all these years. She just seemed like she was on anotehr level, or in a different world. I’ve had a similar situation with another girl as well, also in my opinion just as pretty, but it wasn’t meant to be. We just didn’t click and right now I feel with Her, the same might happen.
I don’t want to fall for someone I might not click with, but when I look at you, I always feel sad, a sour feeling, knowing that we might not be meant for each other. But I guess that point shouldn’t even matter atm. I can’t even talk to you still.
So I went and visited my church that I was banned from for years
Being 19 finally, I was able to go. It felt so awkward honestly hahaha I suck at these things. But before reaching the place I felt like my eyes would water. Finally, I will be entering that building again. I wanted to see everyone. Everyone there that has had an impact in my life. Although I only got to see a few, I am still grateful none the less. Next week I wish to eat with them. But for tonight, I need to finish this draft thing ]: