I got to see her again after a long time. I truly want to be her friend and be her friend just for the sake of being her friend, not for some ulterior motive like to eventually get together with her or anything. I just want to be able to talk to her normally. These feelings have been holding me back like never before. My head gets all blank and panic-y when she’s around, I can barely say a sentence or two with her. But through the advice of a friend I’m gonna push myself to be more confident in myself and be more self controlled. Gonna push myself to talking to her until I feel comfortable. Do I NEED to be her friend though? Do I NEED her in my life? Well I’m gonna see her from time to time in my life anyway. I might as well do something about it.
I just don’t think I should chase anymore. I’m always looking for someone, trying to find the right one for me, but it just never seems to work out in the end. I know myself enough to realize that I want someone, the right one, to be there for me right now, but really I know I’m not ready to be in a relationship. I’m just a mess right now. As my cousin said, I need to get my life together. Get it together, improve myself, become a better person. I’m gonna shine so bright that I’ll be impossible to miss, so bright that you wont miss me.
I think it’s better to stumble into love with you, then to seek you out.
Whoever you are.
Who is meant for me? Who am I meant for? Why do I suck with decisions? Why am I lame with timing?
Maaaan. I need some light, I can’t see where I’m walking to anymore.
Idk if I ever liked her. Maybe I was infatuated with her back then. Looking at her after such a long, I couldn’t formulate my thoughts and talk to her normally. I’m so awkward lol. What was I thinking? I honestly don’t know what to say, looking at her face… I don’t want to like her. The whole night of yesterday I thought about her near the back of my mind, and I woke up with such a….depressing feeling. I don’t want to like her because I feel it won’t go anywhere anyway, I mean I can’t even properly talk to her still after all these years. She just seemed like she was on anotehr level, or in a different world. I’ve had a similar situation with another girl as well, also in my opinion just as pretty, but it wasn’t meant to be. We just didn’t click and right now I feel with Her, the same might happen.
I don’t want to fall for someone I might not click with, but when I look at you, I always feel sad, a sour feeling, knowing that we might not be meant for each other. But I guess that point shouldn’t even matter atm. I can’t even talk to you still.
Being 19 finally, I was able to go. It felt so awkward honestly hahaha I suck at these things. But before reaching the place I felt like my eyes would water. Finally, I will be entering that building again. I wanted to see everyone. Everyone there that has had an impact in my life. Although I only got to see a few, I am still grateful none the less. Next week I wish to eat with them. But for tonight, I need to finish this draft thing ]:
But my heart wants otherwise.
When I think about it, really I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of being in a relationship again. It’s cuz I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to say. I’m so awkward now lol. Everything feels so weird. It would be easier if I didn’t fall for anyone. But when it gets down to it, I get this sad feeling when I’m by myself. I feel lonely.
I’m afraid I might be feeling desperate. But I don’t want that. If I fall for someone, I just…I just dont want to fall for them out of desperation or something like that. I want to genuinely like them.
So today my little sister brought two metro newspapers home so we could 1v1 on Sudoku to see who is faster. I considered myself to be fairly decent in it and had the confidence to be the one to even challenge her. She had finished first when I was halfway done. I then looked at my horoscope after my defeat. I’m a Scorpio and it said; “Not even a Scorpio can win every time”. I demand a rematch tomorrow. ]:
I’m currently waiting for another loop.
